Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Super Skilled Girl’s Guide to Brewing Your Own Beer

Step 1: Have a homebrew. If you’re all out, or just starting your first batch, have a microbrew. Or a glass of wine. But drink something, to remind yourself why you’re going through all this trouble.

Step 2: Eat some dinner. It will make you far less crabby than trying to brew on an empty stomach.

Step 3: Find something for your roommate, husband, dog, etc to do. Preferably out of the house. Working on your own is a little more hassle, but it’s worth it not to have to explain all of the messes you’re making.

Step 4: Find LOTS of towels. I can’t stress this part enough. LOTS of towels.

Step 5: Buy a cheap pair of yellow rubber gloves. It will help to protect the pretty manicure you just got.

Step 6: Read some books to be sure you know what you’re doing. I recommend The Complete Joy of Homebrewing, or the Alaskan Bootlegger’s Bible. Consult them frequently.

Step 7: Choose your work area. Avoid lifting or carrying as much as possible by working near the ground. Cover said work space with the aforementioned towels.

Step 8: Sanitize your equipment. Make sure to wear the gloves, as the solution that takes the gunk off of your bottles also takes the pretty polish off of your nails. Also, be sure you have all of your equipment before starting, so that you’re not calling the room mate in the middle of your process to find out where your automatic bottler is.

Step 9: Whether you’re at the brewing stage, racking stage, or bottling stage, don’t panic! Drink your homebrew. DO NOT give in and call someone for help. You can do this, all on your own.

Step 10: When finished, clean up all of the evidence of the huge mess you just made. Again, TOWELS. Then, have another homebrew, and make a cake. It will remind you that you’re a woman, and not only can you brew your own alcohol to make your friends drunk, you can bake, to make them fat!